I’ve been in this musically deep and soulful funk for months. Silent. Worried. Coping. Afraid. Still.

It’s like the world has sort of stood still for me, only not. I’ve been so afraid for my parents. So worried for my siblings.

Fast forward …

I was up late a few nights back, just jammin’ on my guitar (i suck) when I got a twitter update from the baxter’s over at ohana … it was about their pops. My heart had already been aching, but now … I could actually feel it breaking. Their family has also been going through something so heart wrenching, that you just want to …

Scream. Shout. Cry. Hide.

You can read their post here, if you like … http://sdohana.blogspot.com/2010/01/ucsd-medical-center.html

I cried. Tears that had been bottled up finally came pouring out. It felt so good and so bad … all at the same time. My heart was hurting … hurting for them … hurting for me. I tried so hard to stay positive about my mom, and all that she was going through … but I was scared. I used to be this really emotional girl … but life has hardened me … I don’t want to be vulnerable, so I have learned to bottle it all up and shove it aside. I put on a brace face and greet the world every day. After reading through their post, their words, the emotion … and all the while listening to some really heavy, soulful music, the tears just streamed down my face.  I related … because I was just there … in that place … wondering what the next ring of the phone would be for. Nervous to answer. Afraid of what the other end will say. It’s rough.

Now, rewind back a few days ++

I got a conference call via Skype — dad, brothers, and sister — mom was medevaced to Anchorage.  My heart sank. She was having chest pains, and spells where she couldn’t catch her breath, and so they took her away on a lear jet. I heard what my dad said … more tests … more doctors. It’s scary. It’s scarier when you’re thousands of miles away and can’t do a darn thing … can’t read emotion … can’t feel the mood of the room … can’t be with those you love. Anything can happen, at any moment … and that really, really hit home for me.

While waiting … waiting for test results, to find out why … to find out what happened … is when I read ohana’s blog post …

I was broken …

It’s been about a week, and her test results are in — doc says her heart is healthy, stress test looked good, so she’s in the clear … I pray it stays that way. Thank you, God! I’m not ready to be without my mom … not sure if I ever will be.

I also pray for pops, though I don’t know him … I can relate to how their family might be feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with them, with pops, with my mom.

- jaime

p.s. since I’ve never posted w/o a photo … here’s one of my mom with Rhybug

Well, lets fast forward …

Our baby girl turned 6 years old on the very last day of the year!!! Happy Birthday baby!

I can still remember the day she was born, as though it were yesterday. *Sigh* She is sooooo beyond words excited to be 6 … because 6 means she’s officially a big girl (according to her). It’s major … I agree! 5 was the year of her first hair cut … 2009 was the year of “Rather than a party and presents, can we go play in the snow ALL day long?” I love this kid! For Christmas, they both agreed on bunk beds. And now, a snow day for Robyn’s birthday (Rhy’s already planning on Sea World for her birthday). :) They’re great.

So, we ordered snow pants off amazon.com (which they will get at least 2 years of use from at the rate they grow), grabbed some snow boots off the clearance rack at Target, some snacks/water,  and waited for Jayson to get off work for the weeked! Then, we grabbed Magellan and piled into the truck for a voyage to Sierra Summit! It was simply amazing — spending the day in the snow, with my family, sledding with the girls … teaching them how to build a snowman, showing them how to make the best snowballs for snowball fights, and how to get up after making a snow angel. It was beyond perfect. Here’s just a few shots from our trip … we left the camera in the car for the most part, but I had to bust it out to capture a few moments, since it was their first official snow day …

So, I said I was teaching them to snow ball fight … Rhy caught on very, very quick …

Miss Rob was hiding behind her saucer, when Rhylie yells out …

“Sister … watch oooouuuuuut!” (in a taunting sorta voice)

And here’s Miss Robyn trying to hide behind her saucer … “You can’t get me!!!”

Haha … think again sister! (I’ve taught her well)

After our brief snow ball fight, it was off to get our saucer on … Robyn was FEARLESS!!!!

Rhy was a bit nervous … she couldn’t bring herself to watch …

But, she took the hill solo anyhow … <3 her face!!!

Then Robyn had this crazy idea to “Superman” down the slope …

Apparently, she thought daddy was afraid, so she covered his eyes … gotta love her! :)

As for Rhylie, ne solo trip was enough … she took daddy with her on her next trip down the hill …

After the “saucering” down the hills … Jayson snatched up the camera and took a few shots of Rhy and I … which I totally <3

I grabbed it back to catch a quick shot of them together …

Then, Rhylie did something totally, totally random …

Rhylie: Mom, dad, derder (sister) … if a bear came, I would do this (see below)

Me: RITSL — ( just in case yuh didn’t catch that one, it’s rolling in the snow laughing)

Rhylie: And umm bear would go away …. ar ar away! Uhz I ared em!

I <3 that girl!

And then there’s Robyn … 2 guesses as to what she’s doing.

Of course, I had to have Jayson get one shot of us gals up there in the snow … thanks hun! :)

After that, it was time to head home! I honestly thought Rhylie wouldn’t last more than an hour up there in the cold … we stayed for over 5 hours, and not one complaint came from either kiddo! :)

We headed back to the car to de-snowsuit, and that bright eyed little 6 year old girl looked up at me with truly happy eyes …

Robyn “Oh Em Gee Mom! This was the best day of my entire life! I LOVE snow!!!”

Me: “Better than meeting Cinderella?”

Robyn: “Ok, it’s a tie”

Rhylie: “Mom, best day whole life ever!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!!!

Mommy and daddy LOVE you!

xoxoxo

Whew! It’s been a hectic few months for this family!! With the holidays nearing … and I’m talking back in November, my mom had a heart attack. Rewind … she had knee surgery, due to a torn ACL, from waaaay back! Doctors had no clue as to how she was even walking, so they went in and fixed things up. She had her ACL repaired and got a new meniscus. We thought that was that, some strenuous rehabilitation for her and she’d be good as new.

Wrong.

Not too long after her surgery, the phone rang … the tone was different, and I just knew something was wrong.  My brother Jordan was calling, in tears, and couldn’t even speak. I was trying to stay as calm as I could … I could only think of my Grandmother. “Jordan, you gotta calm down, what happened?” Then he spoke …. and all he could say was “She had a heart attack … they don’t know if she’s going to be ok.” I was in shock … our grandma? Who is “She” ??? “Mom. Mom had a heart attack Jaime.” I felt my heart skip a beat; I lost my breath. I was thinking was ‘No, not my mom, no way’

She was kicked in the head by a horse as a teenager, lost a good portion of her brain …. and she beat the odds then! She used to joke that it only took her 3/4 of a brain to do what it takes everyone else a whole brain to do. My mom’s tough as nails.

Despite what I was thinking … all that came out was “No.” Well, of course news travels down the grapevine in this family of 6. My parents spoke to Jared, who told Jordan (they’re roomies in Alaska), who called me … and I called my sister. She couldn’t even breathe. I just sat there, bewildered that MY mom was capable of having a heart attack. Then, I got it … her surgery, something had to have gone wrong in the re-coop stage. It seemed like days had passed before the phone rang again … this time, my mom. She was acting like it was nothing … but a heart attack is NOT nothing. She was with a friend’s daughter, Cassie, to whom I’ll forever be grateful to … she saved my mother’s life by dialing 911. Had she not called when she did, the doc said she probably wouldn’t have made it. I thank God … it wasn’t her time to go.

Thank you Cassie.

Mom scared the bee jeezuz out of us all … and what to do when she’s so far away, in the Alaskan bush? It was a really hard time for us all, not knowing what was going on, why it happened, if she was going to be alright. When her test results came back, I was even more afraid that I had been before. They Skype’d us from the hospital — Blood clots. Lungs. Scary stuff. I was so afraid for my mom … and my dad … for my whole family. I never knew how I would react in any type of situation involving my family members … no one does, until the unthinkable happens. I sat down with the girls and told them what had happened, and they were sad. They drew their grandma a picture, and e-mailed it to her (yeah, my mom doesn’t even travel to the ER without her laptop).

It wasn’t too long after Thanksgiving that they released my mom with a bazillion medications to rid her body of the blood clots, and then they were back to the Alaskan bush (or at least, that’s what we call it). December passed and Christmas came. We Skype’d with my parents, as we do every year, so that they are able to see the girls open their stockings and presents. It makes us feel as though the distance is somewhat less. This year, I was thankful, more so than most years, because my mom was still with us.

The unwrapping never lasts long with these girls … they are quick!

Outgrew the old jean jackets … mommy finally found some! :)

I totally, completely <3 Rhylie’s face in the next one …

And Robyn’s look of surprise after her new Princess bicycle (from Grandma & Grandpa) was unveiled …

Not long after … Miss Robyn was back to watching the parade in awe …

And seems Miss Rhylie got her hands on some Craftsman power tools!! LOOK OUT!

After the parade ended, Miss Robyn was off to make ice cream cone with her new Melissa & Doug Ice Cream Set!! Such a fun toy — even I like it!

We joined forces with friends for a late Christmas dinner … and spent the rest of the year getting ready for Jayson to take off for his latest deployment. Boo.

Up Next … New Years/Robyn’s 6th Birthday … and more news on my mom.